(# "Wooden Horse" by Craig Mack)
# Just remember that ant
# Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant
# Oops, there goes another rubber tree
# Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant
# Oops, there goes another rubber tree
# Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant
# Oops, there goes another rubber tree
# (rap) I see you made it to the bonus round
# See my crown? Pretty - too bad you can't touch it
# I'm like Pompeii first time it erupted
# Chicks still call, actin' hungry as a buzzard
# You can let your man dump it, hug it and love it, touch it and rub it
# That's why it sounds undiscovered - explode like L Ron Hubbard
# On the "Dianetics" cover - smother a brother
# Now you think I'm late but I'm right on time
# You had your chance to do it, now it's my turn to shine
# Keep in mind, you ain't heard my flow in a while
# And I still ain't heard nobody that can f*** with my style
# Julia Child n***** cook MCs
# Craig Mack, baby, 1 000 degrees
# Stand back n*****, I'm-a shake this place
# And look, just when you thought it was safe
# Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant
# Oops, there goes another rubber tree
# Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant
# Oops, there goes another rubber tree
# Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant
# Oops, there goes another rubber tree
# Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant
I start the bidding at... 600? 650?
I have $1,000 in the back. Thank you.
# Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant
# Oops, there goes another rubber tree
# You know, I came to rock, I came to move the crowd
# I came to scream it out loud
# No other choice is this bad new voice
# Can't wait to sit in my new Rolls-Royce
If you're here for the sports memorabilia auction, it's next Wednesday.
Well, thank you, but I'm just here to Iook at all the colourful pictures.
Well, good for you! How about this one?
- Isn't it exquisite? - Oh, yes, very es-quisite.
Yes, it is... for a fake.
- A fake? - Yeah. See, it says here
"Lot 702: Young Girl by Window" is 17th-century Venetian school.
- But it's not. - It's not?
See, the shading on the burnt umber is all wrong.
I'd date this back to the time they was usin' the White House as a get-down spot.
You know, when everybody was up there...
When certain staff members were backin' their thing up, backin' their thing up...
Sir, with all due respect, I think you'II find that the staff here...
It's a fake, OK? I have an eye.
- An eye? - Yes, just Iike them glasses you got on.
When you put them on today, you got 'em in the mirror, thought you was just stylin'.
You came to work, thought you'd get a couple more sales.
I know you thought they was $500 Boucherons.
No, they're knockoffs, darlin'. Those are knockoffs.
(laughs) They're fake, just Iike this piece of shit here.
(scoffs) "702: Young Girl by the Window."
Sold to paddle number 1 4.
Next up, Iot 702: Young Girl by Window, has been pulled from the auction.
So we'II move on to Iot 703,
- the Hudson River Valley Iake scene. - (sighs)
A fine example of 1 9th-century American art.
You may find it of interest that the artist of this beautiful painting
was a Boston native, who apprenticed here on our own commonwealth Avenue.
- My colleagues and I here at W Boyle... - Excuse me.
If I could...
Let me just try to slide by you. Try to be merciful.
- PIease, will you watch it?! - AII right, that's enough.
OK.
Um... Iet me try this.
There, OK. SIide now. Go.
- This is outrageous! - Like that. You got it.
Excuse me. AII right.
- Deal-a-Meal. - Asshole.
Are you OK?
Would you mind just Ieaving me alone?
If I Ieave you alone, you sittin' here on the verge of tears,
how you think that's gonna make me feel?
You wouldn't understand.
That painting is yours. You don't wanna sell it, but you have to.
350.
Give or take a pound.
My father Ieft me the painting.
And I Iove it, but I need the money to pay a hotel bill.
- 1,500. - (auctioneer) 1,500. Thank you.
- 2,000. - I have $2,000.
- $2,500. - I have 2,500.
Do I have 3,000?
2,500, going once.
Twice.
Sold. Paddle number 14.
Well, that's that.
What's your name?
- Amber Belhaven. - Oh, pretty name.
Kevin. Kevin caffrey.
Look... I couldn't buy that painting,
but I can buy you a cup of coffee.
(Amber) So after I graduated university, I moved here from London
to take this great job with a new natural history website: Neanderthal.com.
- What? - Yeah, I know. You can figure out the rest.
They went under, so here I am.
- So what are you gonna do now? - Get a job.
There must be plenty of opportunities for a girl with a degree in anthropology.
Now, anthropology. That's the study of man's...
See? I'm glad I read that in a dictionary! I wouldn't have known.
So what do you do, Kevin?
I'm a... I'm a businessman.
Yeah. Matter of fact, who's Iate for an appointment.
Um...
I hope this is not too personal but... in your hotel room...
- Yeah? -..do they have a Iittle refrigerator?
Yeah.
And in that refrigerator, do they have those Iittle bottles?
- Yeah, I guess. - Well, when my appointment ends,
would you Iike me to come by and check? See if, in fact, they do?
Now, you wouldn't try to sleep with me, would you?
Um... no.
- No. - Why are you blinking?
Just a Iittle nervous tic. I tell a Iie, I blink.
- That must keep you very honest. - I'd make a terrible Iawyer.
So can you force yourself to blink when you're telling the truth?
Yeah.
So when you don't blink, you're telling the truth.
But when you do blink, it means that you're either Iying,
or you're forcing yourself to blink to make it Iook Iike you're Iying.
That's right.
- That sounds very complicated. - It's not really.
So what's up?
can I see you Iater?
Sure.
Wait. But you're blinkin' too.
You got the same thing that I got, and I don't know...
She's got it goin' on! I will find you!
Yes!
(# "Happy Feelin's" by Sam Logan)
# Happy feelin'
# Happy feelin's in the air
# Oh, yeah
# Touching people everywhere
- (knock on door) - Who is it?
(knocking)
# Listen to the people sing
This is for you.
How much did he want for that painting?
cos I'II pay you back as soon as I get a job.
Well... it didn't cost me anything.
- What, you stole it? - That's what I do.
But I thought you were a businessman.
I am. I'm in the business of stealin'.
That's why I go to auctions, to Iearn what's worth stealing.
A connoisseur of all things portable.
Wow.
I apologise if it's a shock.
I dated a Iawyer for three years, so, ethically speaking,
I've seen a stretch mark or two.
Normally I don't tell a woman that on a first date.
Then again, I don't normally have these feelings.
Me neither.
You see this ring?
My father gave this to me to remind me every day how much he Ioved me.
My father believed in fate, and so do I.
It used to be his Iucky ring... and now it's yours.
How Iucky was he?
Well, he was wearing it when he won that painting in a card game.
- Now I want something from you. - Name it.
I want you to promise me that you'II never Iie to me.
I've been in that kind of relationship and I'II never do it again. So no Iies, OK?
- No Iies. - Said without a blink.
(man) Oh, my God! It's Iike needles in my eyes!
I am too rich to have a headache Iike this, Walter. Get me outta this!
- Get you out of this? - Yes!
I'II just undo every shady deal you've been a part of for the Iast five years.
- Sounds good to me. - There are no Ioopholes this time.
- Bankruptcy is the only option. - Great. Screw it. Screw everybody.
File the papers. What's the worst that could happen?
Bankruptcy, Max. That's the worst that could happen.
Poodlecakes, it's only the real-estate company.
This is no big deal. Tell her, Walter.
It's a... uh...
technical procedure.
Yeah, that's right. A simple technical procedure.
It's humiliating, and it'II be in all of the newspapers.
Maybe my father was right about my marrying you.
Whoa, whoa! There is no need to bring your daddy into this, sugarlumps.
Walter and I, we have this all worked out. Our strategy is planned. Right, Walter?
Fix it, Max... or else.
There is nothin' to worry about, snugglebunny.
These things work themselves out in the end. They always do.
come on, give me a Iittle kiss. Let me see those Iippies.
That's it! Wanna go to Iunch? Let's go. come on.
Let's go. We'II eat, we'II drink, we'II forget all this crap.
Respect.
R-e-s-p... You know the rest.
That's what's missin'. Nobody respect anythin' now.
Nobody respect your work, nobody respect your elders...
You know what I'm sayin'? Nod your head if you're awake.
Respect. I hear you.
I wanna talk to myself, I Ieave myself a voice mail.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
I know that good-Iookin' young man there, baby. I know that smile.
- What you got for good old Uncle Jack? - Nothin'. I just came by to see Amber.
- Where is she? - She's workin'. She Ioves to work.
She's the best damn waitress I ever hired. AII perky and shit.
- You'd Iike her, you get to know her. - How? She speaks a foreign Ianguage.
I know all I need to know. You ain't pulled a damn job since she moved in with you.
- Uncle Jack, I can talk to you. - You sure can.
- I gotta talk to you. - Yeah, come on, doggone right.
- I think... I know... - What?
- I Iove her. - No, son. She wrong for you.
- She too decent. - What?
What happened to Sharon, that con girl from chicago?
- Two years upstate. - For what?
- For connin' people. - No!
- See, with Sharon it was just sex. - That's good.
But with Amber...
- Well, it's still sex. - That's good.
- But we talk. - Talk?
It's so amazing to wake up with someone and just... talk.
Talk? You ain't Oprah.
Hey, honeybun. How are you?
- Mm. How are you doin'? - Oh, perky as shit!
- Hey, Iook what the cat drug in. - Something cold and Bavarian, barkeep.
Berger.
Hey, what's up, Kevin dog? Everything's sweet.
Ohhh, hey!
To all the women I Ioved and who Ioved me back, salud!
You'd better not Iet Ann Marie hear you.
- Don't worry, man. She'II never... - (beeper)
- It's Ann Marie! Does she have radar? - Uh... Amber, Berger.
Berger, best thing that ever happened to me.
Sweetheart. PIeasure to meet you, Berger.
And any friend of Kevin's... probably works nights!
I gotta get back to work myself. See you Iater.
- It's a delight and a pleasure. - Sooner than Iater.
- Nice ass. - Hey, man, what did I just say?
I'm sorry, dog. I didn't know you meant it. Most of the girls you go out with...
This one's different. She's got a degree in anthropology.
AII right, I'II remember that if I ever need to phone a friend.
- Kevin, I got one. - What?
Tonight. Big score, safe as houses.
Safe as houses? A paradox, as they say.
Yes. In fact, it is a house of which I speak.
- Talk to me. - You ever read the papers?
I used to, but the news kept changin'.
- Ever hear of Max Fairbanks? - The big tycoon?
Yeah.
- This better be good. - You're gonna Iove this, man.
I want you to read that.
"Billionaire Max Fairbanks today put Trigram Real Estate, a division of TUI,
into chapter EIeven." He's broke and we're gonna rob him?
Don't cry for him, Argentina. He'd steal your mom if he wanted cornbread.
- This is one of those Iegal heists. - Big business.
That's where they teach you to steal. No heavy Iiftin'. Do it while on vacation.
And brothers Iike us don't even have a dental plan. Read on.
"Under the terms of chapter EIeven, he no Ionger has access to some properties,
including West chop, his Marblehead beachfront residence."
The man can't even get in his own house?
- AIways makes me Iaugh. - The old upstairs hall Iight.
Why don't they just hang out a sign? "Welcome, burglars. No one home."
- Here. - Damn, these are nice.
I know a Iot of guys switched to rubber surgicals,
but for comfort and feel, you can't beat the Isotoner.
First class, my man. First class all the way.
comin' from you, it means a Iot. Seriously.
It's all good. Let's do this.
(woman) Oh, come on, Max. You never Iet me do it.
Mm.
God, I can't believe you. Max, will you please Iisten to me?
Mm-hm?
I Iove the costume.
- I'm naked. - No!
- Oh, a joke. - Yeah, a joke.
Oh, baby, I did it! I did it!
- What do you say? - (Kevin laughs)
Max, could we please get back to what we were talking about?
Oh, that. I think you'd make a wonderful entertainment journalist, Kimberly.
Tracey. Tracey Kimberly.
Tracey.
I'm just not sure I wanna talk about it at this precise moment.
- I knew you'd say that once we did it... - Don't say what you're about to say.
Don't turn a fun evening into something cheap and sordid by talkin' business.
coochie-coo. Here comes the Iittle finger man, comin' to get you.
Wow! check that out. Look at that.
- (Kevin) Faberge. - Oh, baby!
Gold enamel, diamond inlay. Oh, yeah, I have an eye.
Yeah, baby! And I got the score, baby! Is it a hell of a score or what?
Fun, too. Like an Easter egg hunt.
Yeah. You wanna hop upstairs and I'II just work this floor?
- You called it. You called it! - Thank you, man.
AII right, you wanna do it? Let's do it.
- Really? - Yeah, sure. Ready? We're gonna do it.
Five, four, three, two...
Titanic heartthrob Leonardo Dicaprio told me, Tracey Kimberly,
in an exclusive ET interview, that he is currently in negotiations
to do a sequel to the summer blockbuster, which will be entitled Titanic 2.
What is it, the story of a dead guy on the bottom of the ocean?
Well, Iookee here.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...
Every day of the week!
- What? - I hear somebody.
Oh, yeah. Now we're stylin'.
Berger. A tan suede nubuck.
I Iike a thick sole with a tailored suit. Grounds it. Know what I'm sayin'?
I do.
That's why I bought 'em.
- Max... - Tracey, get outta here.
- You think it's a photo shoot? - I wanna see what's goin' on.
(Max) What does it Iook Iike? The guy's robbin' the house. I got a gun on him.
Go on back in there. Put your clothes on.
- Damn, you must be rich. - That's right. Eat your heart out.
Look, you caught me, fair and square.
But how about I walk out, nothin' taken, nothin' harmed? How does that sound?
You stay right where you are, or I shoot you in the head. How does that sound?
Violent. But I see your point.
- So, he wasn't carryin' a gun? - No, sir.
- No ID? - Nothin'.
- What's your name, bro? - Petey Wonder.
I'm Stevie's Iittle brother.
But I don't sing.
You know who I am? You got a Iotta balls, huh?
You come into my house, into my bedroom, and take my ring.
- What? - That's my ring.
- Stop trippin', all right? This is my ring. - Son of a bitch!
He was gonna waltz outta here with my ring.
- Take it off. Give it to Mr Fairbanks. - This is my ring.
- Sure. Give him the ring. - My girlfriend gave me the ring.
- If I don't come home with it... - Gimme the ring.
- Gimme. - This is my ring.
Do you expect us to believe that?
You...
I go along with some things... but some things make no damn sense.
- Let go of the damn ring. - This ain't right.
Write a Ietter to the editor.
Ooh, I forgot. I own the newspapers.
We'II take care of everything.
- Get him out of here. - Don't worry, Mr Fairbanks.
This is a good ring.
This is a very nice ring.
(Kevin) Just hear me out, one more time.
I just feel, if we were to go back,
and give him a chance to confess, come clean,
he might just hand over what is, in fact, my rightful property.
I can see how that sounds all messed up, comin' out of my mouth, but it's the truth.
can I see my Iawyer?
(radio) 17, with the robbery suspect at 25 Harbour Heights, Marblehead,
- what's your 20? - That's it, tenfour.
We're on the corner of camden and 4th, en route to the station, perp in custody.
What the...? Hey, you!
Stop!
- Shit! What's goin' on? - That son of a bitch!
# Hit the road, Jo
# And don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more
# Hit the road, Jo
# And don't you come back no more
# Hit the road, Jo
# And don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more
# Hit the road, Jo
# And don't you come back no more
# (rap) I'm 20 years, fresh outta high school, and I need this gig
# I got bills to pay, plus I got a kid
Nothing. clear. Let's go.
# Well, in this field you won't last with no degree
# Well, I learn quick and I'm very dedicated
# But I'm used to everybody tellin' me that I won't make it
# I need a chance, can you give me a shot?
# I need someone with more experience to fill this spot
I want my damn ring!
You don't know what you started.
# Hit the road, Jo
# And don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more
# Hit the road, Jo
# And don't you come back no more
# I hear you lookin' for new talent and I'm one of the best
# Gotta admit not many drivers won rap contests
# But that's cool, cos what we really need's a star
I'II take door number three.
Gotta go!
- Hey. - Hello, honeybun.
- How was your day? - Good.
What's the matter?
- Um... - Well, is it bad?
Go on.
I Iost the ring.
Oh, Kevin! I just gave you the ring!
Actually, it's worse than that. The ring was stolen.
Stolen by who?
Of all the Iousy, jerkological stick-ups, this gotta take the cake!
- You got that right. - Robbed... by a householder!
Doin' a robbery.
Terrible, Kevin, terrible.
- You Iaughin' at me? - Hell, yeah. It's embarrassin'.
You should be ashamed of yourself. 16,000.
What's in that cigar you're smokin'? come on! The Faberge egg alone...
Nice. Don't want it. It's hard to move. can't move it.
The damn car, OK, is worth...
OK, I'II give you six and a half for the car.
Round it off to 21,500. That's because I raised you as my own,
and I'm happy to see you back in the business.
1 6... plus six and a half...
- Yeah, right. -..is 21,500?!
Man, Iook. 16...
Don't worry about it.
Look, it's Iate. I wanted to see if you were on your game, so I took a shot at you.
Man!
I just feel Iike I'm gettin' robbed by everybody tonight.
come on, Kevin. It's not that bad. Why are you so upset?
- Why am I so upset? - Yeah.
Baby, Iet me show you something.
Do you see this? This is a Faberge egg.
Russian, 1 890. Some people get all freaked and obsessed by these.
Why? It's what it represents.
Power, taste, superiority.
That's all in the mind of the person who puts a price on it.
What's it mean to me?
Not a damn thing. Too hard to fence.
Now, the ring, on the other hand... is priceless.
It symbolises the day my Iife changed.
- The day I met you. - Wow.
Let's go, Monty. Let's see what you got.
- Oh! - Ooh, bull's-eye!
Game, set, match.
Walter!
- We have a problem? - No, you have a problem.
From which I, your Iong-suffering attorney, will again try to extricate you.
- So? - So... there was a break-in Iast night.
Oh, no! You're kidding. Really? Did they get much?
$1 50,000 in valuables, plus a car.
That's right, Max. He went back.
(growls)
- Son of a bitch! - Sir!
Shut up!
Does Lutetia know about the, uh...?
About the young Iady? So far not. You've got bigger problems, Max.
The bankruptcy judge is furious you disobeyed his order not to use the house.
can't you use a seedy motel, Iike a normal philanderer?
- What's so funny? - I was thinkin' about the robbery.
- Something funny about the robbery? - Yeah, Walter, there is.
- Think that shit's funny? - He stole your ring in front of the cops?
come on, you gotta see the humour in it!
- I don't see the humour. - I robbed a thief! How can you not see it?
Because it's not funny.
It's more than just funny, Walter. It's fate.
Here, take a Iook at this symbol. It's my company Iogo from the I Ching.
Omens, signs... throwing bones.
I don't throw bones, Walter, but I do throw coins.
I've been using the I Ching for 20 years, and Iook where it's got me.
This ring... is a sign.
Everything is gonna be just fine,
as Iong as I hold on to this Iucky ring.
- Don't worry. We'II get your ring back. - Fairbanks is big game.
- Right. - We need a big-game hunter.
Shelly Nix!
Shut the fuck up, man.
Thank you.
- What's the matter with you? - can you find the asshole or not?
Piece of cake. It's no harder than shutting down AOL for an hour.
Not that I'd have any interest.
check it out, y'all. Usually when you wanna track somebody down,
you start with airline computers, car-rental companies, big hotel chains.
He's a high-roller. He's got his own jet.
When he hits that runway, it's nothin' but private Iimos and corporate hotel suites.
- How do you find him? - He's got a personal assistant in Boston.
She e-mails his itineraries and schedules.
She knows every detail of this guy's Iife. Her name is GIoria.
(phone rings)
- Yes, Max? - Gloria.
The ring I told you about. I'm more convinced than ever it's major mojo.
You know, I wouldn't tell anybody else this but you.
What, my musky teddy bear? Tell Mama.
You can tell Mama Bear anything. Mama Bear don't care.
- GIoria, stop it. We've discussed this. - Screw you, Max. Promises were made.
- GIoria... - Never mind. The past is the past.
What can I do for you, sir?
I was sayin' that I was beginnin' to go into one of my dips.
I was feelin' fear and anxiety.
But this ring is Iike a sign. Everything's turnin' around.
- I was just wonderin' if you could... - AII right, Max, all right.
Nine in the second place. Tread a Ievel course.
The perseverance of a dark man brings good fortune.
- Yeah? - Judgment.
Treading upon the tail of the tiger. It does not bite man.
- What did the Boston Herald call me? - "The Dark Prince of PIunder."
- Perseverance of a dark man! That's me! - Well, maybe.
Treadin' on the tiger's tail. Takin' chances, gettin' away with it.
Like that time we were in the elevator at TUI?
- Max! Max! - GIoria! GIoria!
Focus, GIoria, focus!
- If I may consult my cards... - Go ahead.
I will, Max. It takes a Iittle time.
- (gasps) - What, Gloria, what?
Max, I'm Iosing you. You're cutting out. I can't hear you.
I hope you got the e-mail that Lutetia wants you to call.
What does she want?
The only person he's afraid of is his wife, Lutetia. This is Design Times, June '98.
"Beacon Hill town house of Max and Lutetia Fairbanks."
(Kevin) Lutetia Iooks more Iike... Morticia.
What the hell were you doing at the beach house and who were you doing it with?
- Scandal and disease are deal-breakers. - I'm a monk!
You may have the hairstyle but not the Iifestyle.
And take off your shoes. The white carpet!
Tell me again. Why did I marry you?
I grew up on Beacon Hill, which gave you entree to wealthy family friends
who could invest in all your business ventures.
And you had a great ass... have a great ass.
Picker's hosting the botanical garden benefit at the Sheraton Boston tonight,
- honouring me. - I'd Iike to pay tribute right now.
come over here.
Six o'clock sharp. Picker hates it when you're Iate.
Right. Picker first, pecker Iater.
Boy, I need a massage!
Hold up. E-mail from GIoria.
Benefit tonight at the Sheraton Boston with his wife. Nice!
- (Kevin) Let the games begin! - Yeah, Kevin. Hell, yeah, baby.
Very hip. Very cool.
- Very Vegas in the '60s. - Yeah.
How about you come over here and we mess it up a bit?
Let me entertain you first.
Hah! Hah! Hah!
Hey! Bam!
Gimme the dollars! Put 'em here!
Twenties go here, hundreds go here...
During her eight years of involvement with the botanical garden,
she has impressed us all with her generosity and enthusiasm.
Evening. Evening.
Lutetia Fairbanks.
Hey!
What's happenin', birdie birdie? You a talkin' bird?
Say "Max, that's your ass."
Ooh, I'm sorry. Ladies!
Where have y'all been? Lookin' good!
I haven't seen y'all since my polo accident. Who does your eyes?
Look at y'all. Mucho elegante!
Thank you, and thank you all for coming tonight,
and for your ongoing commitment to the Boston Botanical Foundation.
We have all sorts of exciting plans Iined up,
none of which would be possible without your generosity...
- Let me ask you somethin'. - (growls)
- Is that Mrs Fairbanks up there? -..tireless team of volunteers...
cos I'm confused. I thought Mrs Fairbanks was a young brunette
with, Iike, big, soapy titties.
Are you gonna blackmail me?
We're cool. I'm just here to get back my ring. It's my Iucky ring and I want it back.
No, it's not, because now it's my Iucky ring.
Spoils of war.
- It means somethin' to me. - It means somethin' to me, too.
Because I took it off a Iittle pissant who broke into my house
while I was tryin' to nail Miss September.
- That was Miss September? - Yeah, it was Miss September.
- Oh, damn! I got that issue. - Yeah?
So how rich are you?
You know, it's guys Iike you think you can just take whatever you want, don't you?
- Guys Iike me? - Yeah.
Who's the thief here?
- I want my damn ring. - Well, you can't have your damn ring.
You'II regret this.
Total stranger. Tres bizarre.
Are you gonna eat that?
I'm tellin' you, man, when word gets out, everybody is gonna be Iaughin' at me.
- That's it. His ass is goin' down. - Take him down!
Millionaire, billionaire - it don't matter. He's off the game!
When I see him: what's up? Bada-boom!
That's just the start. Then I'm gonna do the ghetto smack.
- What's the ghetto smack? - You hit him with anything!
Drum set - pow! Piano - pow!
Kevin! Sorry to break up the party,
but I thought you were trying to get the ring back for me.
Um... yeah. Yeah, babe. That's right.
- Kevin, are you blinking? - Um...
No. What it was, right, I had somethin' in my eye, see? Right here.
- See it? - I think I got it for you.
- Do me a favour. Keep out of trouble. - Have no doubt.
They be Iettin' you know when there's somethin' in your eye!
- What you got? - check it out.
He and his wife are goin' to a cocktail party. Ending by 8.00, home by 8.30.
We'II be there, waitin' to take the ring right off his finger in his own home.
And before that?
A complete removal of all things portable.
(Walter) We can work this out, Judge callahan, if you Iook in your file.
You have a sworn statement from my client that he only went back to the house
to pick up some very important... stuff.
- Very important stuff. - I have a good idea what he picked up.
Oh, you do, do ya?
You don't think the rules apply to you, do you, Mr Fairbanks?
- What's he talkin' about? - AII right, that's enough!
Since you defied my order not to enter the beach house,
I have a good mind to reopen the entire chapter EIeven bankruptcy proceedings.
You weren't so cocky when you came to me, asking for money.
- Max! - What did you say, Mr Fairbanks?
You think I forgot how much it cost to get you elected
by spreadin' stories about your opponent's sexual preferences?
- Max! - Hm?
"I need money..." I fork over and what do you do? Sit there Iike a big, fat blob!
- Max! - Sell the house!
- Up yours, you fat pig! - And all the contents, at public auction!
- (Walter) Max, why did you get so crazy? - (Gloria) He forgot who he paid off.
It was the other judge. I told you.
"Tread a Ievel course." You don't Iisten to me any more.
So I forgot we backed the other mutt. Boy, this guy holds a grudge.
Max, you get one final visit to gather and remove any personal effects.
- One final visit? - I could come if you need some help.
Uh, thanks just the same. Dial Miss September!
Everything will be fine. The car's coming. We'II go to Missy's party and Ieave early.
Don't be so down, Maxie. We still have an awful Iot of houses Ieft.
Move your ass, Berger. Don't drag on me.
- I got a bad feelin', Kevin. - come on.
- Something's not right, man. - Not if you run out on me again.
- I'm talkin' violence. - I'm not Ieavin' you, baby. We're partners.
We're Iike Shaq and Kobe, Pippen and Jordan, Rodgers and Hammerstein...
Ann Marie's been makin' me go to the theatre Iately.
I'm on the alarm.
Ooh! OK, OK...
Alarm disabled.
- And we're in. - Yeah, baby.
This is right out of a Hitchcock movie. I'm getting vertigo.
- What's on your mind, Max? Tell me. - It's that bum of a judge.
He's allowing me one Iast visit to Marblehead to collect my belongings.
I thought after the party I'd drop you off home and go out for one Iast overnight.
You know what? You've been through a Iot today.
Let's forget about the party. You go get your things.
- Yeah? - Mm-hm.
Nobody knows me Iike you, Lutetia.
- (Max) OK, that's good. - Security disarmed.
I'II just throw a few things in an overnight bag.
- I'II come with you. - What?!
- Huh? - In the elevator.
- What the hell are they doing back? - I don't know.
- And then on to the beach house. - But... but...
- There's no sense in both of us goin'. - I insist. That's the whole point...
(Lutetia) It's been discussed. I'm going with you.
(Berger) They're gone.
You don't even like the beach house. It's so suburban!
You are in a fragile state. I can't bear to think of you out there, all alone.
come on. It'II be fun.
Gimme a minute.
- Where the hell did they go? - I don't know.
(coughs)
(whispers) Dial Miss September.
Dial Miss September!
Tracey, forget about tonight.
Let's go, Max!
They're up there. come on, move it!
(Max's voice echoes)
Hold it. Sounds Iike the voice is comin' from the wall.
Yeah, I don't get it.
- Not too Iate to change your mind. - Stop it. I insist.
- Security system engaged in three... - The alarm. Hurry!
two, one...
Damn. Move one inch and we're done.
- They have motion detectors everywhere. - Tell me about it, Berger.
Help me!
- Help me! - You sound Iike the FIy.
- (pathetic voice) "Help me!" - Sorry.
- I gotta call Windham. - Hurry!
Windham!
(woman) You're gonna destroy these brakes, I'm tellin' you...
(man) Shut up! You are makin' me nervous!
You were born nervous and you're makin' me more nervous!
You'II kill that rabbit! It's new! I can't keep gettin' rabbits!
- Quiet! I'm tryin' to break into this place! - How dare you drive so fast! We got kids!
Don't yell at me! I was barely goin' over the Iimit!
- Where the hell is he? - I can't hold on much Ionger.
I feel that way too. cos my Iegs are dead!
I can't feel my ankles, my knees...
My calf is swollen!
Kevin, I know this is not the time to tell you this, but I didn't have to pee until now.
- Let it go, man. I won't tell. - That's what you said Iast time.
When Kevin calls, we drop everything, but whenever I call, you can't hear me.
- Maybe I like Kevin! - You'II never saw me in half again!
- We want ice cream! - You want me to make you disappear?
Do not upset your father! You get it?
I can never find the right damn key.
- Say thank you. - Thank you.
I need your help, man. This bag is too damn heavy.
I'm tryin' to help myself. I can't even move my neck.
Oh, man, this thing's unbelievable. I got the numbers, honey.
- I got the Iock. - You're the wind beneath my wings.
- Alarm disabled. - Security disarmed.
- OK, she's fixed. - I can't feel my ass. And I mean numb.
can you believe it? Me and Edwina, ten years this September.
Yeah. We're gonna have a big anniversary party. Dinner, dancing...
- come on! - Shut up!
I should be walkin' again by September.
I can't believe it Iasted ten years. I couldn't Iast ten minutes with her.
Damn, this is nice stuff! First quality, top drawer.
I could do one of two things. I can give you 200 grand cash now,
or, if you wanna trust me, I could pretty much guarantee
that I can fence the viable stuff for a much Iarger figure and square it with you Iater.
It's totally up to you.
(all) We'II take the cash.
(# "Music" by Erick Sermon and Marvin Gaye)
Still no Iuck.
Total failure.
About 60 Gs.
Oh, and I got somethin' for you.
I knew it was your favourite colour.
That's beautiful!
(Lutetia) Oh, my God!
- Where is my painting? - (Max) Gone.
Who would do something Iike this?
That sneak thief. Don't Iook down.
Ohh!
- Oh, Max! - She's faintin'.
Get some water, GIoria. And shut that damn dog up before I do!
OK, OK, park it there.
AII right, sweetheart. Oh, baby.
- Oh, sweetie. - Here you are.
Thank you, GIoria. Here you go. I need a cigar! Where are my goddamn cigars?
(man) Perhaps the thieves also smoke cigars.
It's become so common, hasn't it?
- Who the hell are you? - Detective AIex Tardio.
Nineteenth Precinct. Robbery.
AIex?
- That's a... - (whimpers)
Heel, pumpkin!
(whispers)
I Iove dogs. I have three Bichon Frises myself.
I Iove Bichon Frises! Lovely, fluffy Iittle...
(Max clears throat)
come on. So... how can I help you?
Help me? I'm here to help you. Take it upstairs, boys.
Hey, Iisten...
You and your wife went away together to your beach house just for the one night?
Yeah, that's right. We're givin' it up, sellin' it.
We were saying goodbye. Sentimental. You know how it is.
I'm a renter.
- Why are you selling? - Part of a court settlement.
- Technical procedure. - Bankruptcy?
- Technical procedure! - Hmm.
- Max. - So, Iet's see.
When did you and your wife decide to make
this sentimental journey out to your beach house?
Last night. We were on our way to a cocktail party.
- Missy Davison's party? - Pretty thorough, huh?
That's why I get the big bucks. Didn't something else happen out there?
Somethin' else?
A robbery? Wasn't there a robbery there?
Yeah, yeah. It was a robbery. In all this, I completely forgot.
- But weren't you there, with... - That was perfectly innocent.
You were there with the burglar and it was perfectly innocent?
The burglar, yeah. I was there with the burglar.
- Just me and the burglar. - Scandal and disease, Max!
OK, so, I read the police report, and it's all very confusing.
- confusing? - Yes, and they're both burglaries.
- Do you think it was the same guy? - I didn't say that. You did.
- What do you say? - I see all sorts of scenarios.
- That was a good place for a picture. - (growls) Like?
A house full of valuables at the beach that you're not supposed to be in,
but you are, and a burglary occurs.
Then you talk your wife into Ieaving this house for sentimental reasons.
When the coast is clear, it happens again.
Are you suggesting I hired a thief to rob my house so I could claim insurance?
No. You asked for scenarios. You're the one who keeps saying things.
Watch it, Mr... Detective!
You come into my house and accuse me?
You think I need the insurance money? I could buy and sell a thousand of you!
(whimpers)
Yeah. come on, baby.
The Yorkie is an independent dog, but a devoted companion.
And despite his... small size,
he is more than willing to act as a guardian for his master.
Buy and sell a thousand of me? Really? Just out of curiosity,
how much would you get for someone Iike me? You know, wholesale Iike that.
I can't tell if you're tryin' to trap me, or you're Iookin' for a bribe.
Yes.
What the hell was that?
(Tardio) AII right, boys, Iet's take a good Iook around.
Dial Earl!
(phone ringing)
Incoming!
(phone still ringing)
- Earl Radburn, head of security, TUI. - It's Fairbanks. We got a situation.
Yes, sir, Mr Fairbanks. I'II be there at 1 400.
- Speak English, Earl. - It's Iike 2.00... 2.30 at the Iatest.
AII right. Move your fat ass!
Fruitcake.
$2500 for a skirt? Are you insane? That's daylight robbery!
Like I always say, everybody's in on the game in their own way. Am I right?
- Sure you are. - See? Listen to that.
At Ieast we're upfront about it. These guys invite you to Paris,
trot out some 1 4-year-old models who Iook Iike boys - who am I to judge?
Soon you're Iight 200 Gs, flyin' home with your big-assed wife...
- Leave my ass outta this. - I was talkin' about a hypothetical ass.
- See why I married him? Anybody? - Yo, I got information on your boy.
Fairbanks has to be in Washington on Wednesday for a Senate subcommittee.
Something about owning too many TV stations in certain key markets.
It's just a formality. He's gonna grease up the subcommittee before he gets there.
- Like I said, everybody's in on the game. - Then we go to Washington.
- Where's he stayin'? - Homeboy keeps a crib in the Watergate.
Hold on. I'm coming.
Oh, no. You're not comin'.
- Ann Marie, we're going. - No, we should go. You're right.
- PIease stay out of this. Thank you. - (Ann Marie keeps talking)
- (Amber) Is this a boy-girl thing? - (all talk at once)
- What is that about with you? - You know what? Bottom Iine!
You're not goin'.
So nice you could... get away for a couple of days, boo.
Very sweet of you to insist... boo.
We're all here: Fred, Ethel, Lucy and Ricky.
The Mertzes and Ricardos go to Washington.
(imitates Ricky) Lucy, don't do that to me!
# Whatever Doja wants
# Doja wants
# Doja gets
# So understand
# That you should know you can't win
Stress - that's the killer.
I can't think straight.
I get all tight and confused.
Lower.
Lower!
That is as Iow as I'm gonna go until you make a commitment, Max.
You knew I was married when we started this relationship, Tracey.
I meant a commitment to getting me an audition with Entertainment Tonight.
Oh, that.
Well, Iet me be perfectly clear about that.
You have no talent.
Ow!
- What the hell did you do that for? - You have no respect!
Well, why should I respect you?
Oh, my head's ringin'! My whole head is ringin'.
(Tracey) Massaging you is Iike kneading dough! As for the sex, Iet me be honest!
- It was Iike sleeping with a damp sheep! - Nyeh, nyeh!
- Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh! - Nyeh, nyeh!
- (Tracey) Asshole! - She's upset because I'm dumpin' her.
1 1 more months where she came from, sir.
What I wanna know, Earl, is what are you doin' about this schmegegge
- who keeps breakin' into my houses? - I have my people working on it.
If they could find a certain blue dress, then they can find this weasel Iike that.
Max, why not just give back the ring? We've got bigger fish to fry. It's not yours.
- It's not mine? - No, it's not. You stole it. Give it back.
This wacko breaks into my house and steals my stuff, and this isn't my ring?
- Spoils of war. - Spoils of war. Goddamn right, Earl.
Max, you've got a Iot of business in grey areas at the moment.
You're Ietting a small-timer distract you.
Sometimes you have to give back a Iittle to get a Iot.
It ain't gonna happen, Walter. It is not gonna happen.
- I wanna go home! - What does this Iook Iike? A taxi?
Dial Lutetia!
Ah! Now we're in business. OK, to hell with the monuments. Here we go.
"Savvy shopping in the nation's capital." Georgetown. You're gonna freak out.
Oh, man, it's a bad angle. I can't get a clear Iook at his place from here.
- How will you get past the doorman? - (Kevin) Nothin' fancy.
Just stroll right in Iike we own the place.
(woman) Welcome to Potomac House.
Our apartments on the east side have magnificent views of the capitol.
Our penthouse suites are 5,000 square feet and have 360-degree vistas.
But, of course, there we're talking about quite a bit of money.
(speaks in cod Arabic)
capitol... penthouse... 360-degree...
tabbouleh baba ghanouj hummus.
Ayatollah Khomeini Gaddafi?
(continues in cod Arabic)
Salaam, salaam. Kuwait.
No, no, no. I must humbly apologise.
There seems to be confusion. The prince asks how much for the entire building.
(speaking cod Arabic)
- correct. - I'm not sure that's possible.
(speaks cod Arabic)
- No. - (Kevin has tantrum)
Oh, no, no.
(both speaking cod Arabic)
Salaam, salaam. He say, for right amount, camel can dance up pyramid.
It Ioses something in translation.
You go up to the penthouse suite. I'II gather my people and meet you up there.
Make yourselves at home. It may be your... home.
(speaks cod Arabic)..home.
Good. Give her a big bag... beef jerky.
Mine, all mine!
He say he would Iike to hump you, but we are on a very tight schedule.
- (Kevin) come on, Berger. - OK, OK.
Hello? Is anybody home?
Hello?
- What are you Iookin' at? - Nothing.
You Iook great in a tablecloth. Not many could pull it off.
Look at Arafat. Look at me. I Iook Iike I should be drivin' a cab.
Damn. So this is Max's Dc pad, huh?
- Big baller. - Oh, yeah.
Maxie? Maxie-waxie?
Your friends are here.
(Earl) Watch your step, sir.
Walter, we'II meet back at my place to prep for the hearing.
AII right, Max.
Earl, you call me the minute you hear anything. You got it?
- On it. - OK.
- I wonder where Iard-ass is. - (Gloria) Hello?
Hello, are you there? Max, it's Gloria.
Pick up, Max. Hello?
- We're in the clear. It's the phone. - Are you there?
Well, I just wanted to let you know, the money is in your desk.
I mean, the contributions for the senators.
You may want to call me for a reading.
- It's the PAcs, just Iike Shelly said. - You still need me for the cards, baby.
So sad.
"The marrying maiden"?
What the hell's that got to do with me?
The ring. The thief.
"The castle"?
The thief is in the castle! Dial Earl!
Got it. Here they are.
- Look at that. - Damn.
You can't outright bribe these senators.
You gotta give the money through these PAcs. "PAc" stands for something.
More than you can say for the senators.
- Wait. Wait, wait, wait. - What? What?
(Max) Earl, he's at my place! He's at my apartment!
Get the cops and meet me over there. I'm goin' up the back way.
Welcome back.
"Dear Senator. Eat shit. Love, Max."
$1 1 5,000... cash!
- Writer's cramp. - Maybe we should go.
And Ieave the ring?
- Welcome back, Mr Radburn. - Not now!
- come on, Iet's go. - Stop worryin'. I gotta get this ring.
Easy for you to say. You don't have a prison record.
- I got us some good undershirts... - (siren)
Kevin.
- I told you, Iet's get outta here! - What?!
- I knew it! - Berger's got his pager.
God, I'm hard.
Earl Radburn, head of security, TUI.
Argh! Ow!
Agh!
(Berger) Let's go out the back.
Earl.
It's me, you idiot!
- Sorry, but they went out the back. - I came up the back. Moron!
Oh, my goodness! You'II have to hold it in.
(beeper)
Let's get the hell outta here!
I'II call the cellphone.
We got the money. Let's go!
You really need help, man.
- Oh, he's got me! - (phone ringing)
Berger, what's goin' on?
Take a good Iook! It's me!
- Kinda hard to describe. I gotta go. - Talk to me!
Yeah, Iook at ya! Brought it on yourself!
You brought it all... Look at you!
Yo, Berger! Berger!
(Kevin) The wrong damn ring?!
Amber... I got the wrong finger, OK?
His damn weddin' ring! Baby, say somethin'.
You ain't said a word to me since we Ieft Washington. can I get some convo?
OK. I have never been so scared in my whole Iife!
AII right, now calm down, OK?
- I know it was sorta unusual... - Unusual? come on, Kevin!
- There were guns, there were cops... - It's not bad if you're in the middle of it.
Your adrenaline is pumpin' so hard, you don't think about...
- The consequences? - Yeah, yeah. The consequences.
Kevin, this has got to stop.
You don't need to prove that you Iove me. I know you do!
And I don't care about that stupid ring. Do you hear me? I just want you.
Well, then, don't worry. You got me.
So you'II forget about the ring, then?
Uh... Amber.
I'II forget about the ring.
It's forgotten.
Excuse me!
What's up, girls? How you doin'? Sorry!
Yo, Jack. It's after seven. You seen your nephew by the name of Kevin?
No. What's your rappin' ass want with him?
Later, man!
Son of a bitch crazy.
- That's twice you ran out on me. - I know, but...
Funny how you never cramp up when you gotta run.
I got Iow potassium. If I don't eat bananas, I cramp up, dog. You know that.
- What are you gonna do with that? - You want this?
- Run get that. - (Shelly) Yo, Kev!
- Thanks for the breakfast, man. - Yeah. You got that?
- Done. - See, man? If it wasn't for me...
What's great about this country is we're hand in hand,
synergistically, going forward into the future.
It's give and take. That's the way we feel at TUI.
You make a compelling point, Mr Fairbanks. PIease continue.
Thank you, Senator. As I was saying.
Restrictive monopoly Iaws are choking communications companies Iike mine.
If TUI can dominate a market, why hold us back?
TUI provides employment,
which, in turn, provides tax revenues in Iarge markets and in small alike.
I contend that the Iaws that Iimit ownership of television stations
by telecommunications companies are punitive and wrong.
What's with Mount Rushmore?
- Yeah? - (Kevin) Guess who, shitbox.
Ooh, it's the Iittle thief.
- I beg your pardon? - I'm not talkin' to you.
Man, I made 200 grand robbin' you. I wouldn't call that little anything.
- State of mind! - What are you yammering about?
- I'm not talkin' to you. Excuse me. - Let me tell you my state of mind.
My lady's tired of this whole thing. So it would be easier for the both of us
if you just give me back my ring and I give you back yours.
Now, nod your head, cos I'm watchin' your Iittle ass on TV.
TV? Which camera?
- This camera? - Exactly. That one right there.
Hold your head up, cos you got that double-chin thing happenin'.
- Damn, that's cold. - Take a good look, you (bleep) asshole!
Do I Iook Iike a man who got where he is by givin' (bleep) away? (bleep) you!
Mr Fairbanks!
He cussin' on TV. He tight!
I think he's angry. He's perturbed.
- Mr Fairbanks! - Walter...
- Hang up the phone! - Mr Fairbanks!
- Just a minute. - You look like you don't have a clue.
I took your PAc money, so those Iittle fat white asses ain't rollin' over for you.
- Mr Fairbanks, a Iittle respect. - Just a minute.
- Now, you give me my ring... - Oh, yeah?
..and I'II Ieave you alone.
You know what you could do, scumbucket? (bleep) my (bleep)!
- Mr Fairbanks! - That's what I'm talkin' about.
c-SPAN's gotten better.
AII right, that's it. The ring's comin' off your finger if I got to cut it off!
(bleep) you and (bleep) your girlfriend!
My girlfriend?
- This is a Senate subcommittee... - (bleep) you! (bleep) you!
(bleep) you! (bleep) you! (bleep) you!
- I Iove democracy. - That's what I call entertainment!
I told you this no-good goniff would make a fool out of you.
Look what you've done over a stupid goddamn ring.
I could have fixed the PAc thing. You blew a whole market. I hope you're satisfied.
Walter, why don't you go see a doctor?
See if he can find a ghostly outline where your balls used to be,
then plead with him to stitch another pair back on.
Stop the car, please.
- Stop the car, please! - What?
I have been your Iawyer for 20 years.
I've taken your degrading insults and petty mockeries.
I have stood by you while you've bent the Iaw and while you've broken the Iaw.
It's fascinating seeing how Iow you can go.
I felt a genuine kind of pity for someone so driven.
But if you continue this idiotic schoolyard game over a cheap and ugly ring,
then this is the end of the Iine. I am getting off the bus.
Limo.
Screw you, Max, and the Iimo you rode in on.
Walter, where are you goin'?
Walter! come on, get back in the car!
Go with him.
Walter, come on. Walter!
You can't walk all the way home. What are you gonna do?
- I guess I went a Iittle too far this time. - Yes, sir.
- You've been hacked. - What?
One of my people found out our "friend" has been able to track your whereabouts
by intercepting your e-mails.
Why, that Iittle son of a...
Wait a minute. This could be good, Earl.
Yeah, because now we can control the situation.
We can Iet him know exactly what we want him to know.
- Bring him right to us. - You're one crafty bastard, Earl.
Thank you, sir. If the boys at the Pentagon had had your faith in me,
there'd be a Disney World in cuba right now.
Yeah.
AII right, go on.
The driver gave a good description of the robbers.
Too good. I've done costume design in community theatre,
so I've seen my share of bad acting.
Assign someone to shadow the driver and his assistant.
It's too tempting when one is around that much cash every day.
There he is. Hey, Tardio! I got all these files you asked for concerning Fairbanks.
Thank you, Jerry. Didn't I see you at the Ice capades show Iast Monday?
come on, Tardio! I don't do Ice capades.
The shoes say butch, but the socks say "Hi, how ya doin'?"
- Hey, Jack. - Hey, baby.
- Where's Amber? - She asked for the day off.
- I knew she was upset. - OK, thanks.
Hey, Amber got a pretty good head on her shoulders. Listen to what she has to say.
- You don't even Iike Amber. - She and I happen to agree on this one.
- So therefore I say she OK. - But?
But you makin' this thing personal with this Fairbanks guy is bad for business.
That's the first thing I taught you about this game.
Kevin, I got two words for you: bankruptcy auction.
- What? - I just spoke with Shelly.
- He hacked another e-mail. - Talk to me.
Fairbanks is gonna be at his beach house for the auction.
- After that he's abroad for two months. - Leave it alone, son.
Listen to your Uncle Jack. If you only Iisten to me one time, Iisten to me now.
Take it from a man who raised you from a pup. Let it go.
I seen other guys go down that road, and you know what they call that? Dead end.
Let it go, Kevin. Goddamn, Kevin, Iet it go!
$7 million worth of art, jewellery and antiques.
I'II drive. Hand me my keys over there.
come on, Lutetia, don't worry about it. Nobody even watches these hearings.
You've gone too far, Max. Swearing on TV?
You make a fool of yourself, humiliate both of us
and put your entire company at risk.
For what? Some trinket out of a cracker Jack box?
- Look, when I catch this putz... - Don't come home, Max.
- What? - You're a jerk. Grow up!
Where's my Iovely, Iovely...
- Berger was Iooking for you. - He found me.
How you doin'?
- You're going, aren't you? - Amber, you gave me something.
I Iost it. I can't have that between us.
I'd much rather have that between us than two inches of glass at some state prison.
I'm sorry, you know? A man in my position...
You have always said this is about me.
This has never been anything more than a juvenile dick-measuring contest.
Wait a minute. If this was a dick-measuring contest,
I'd be declared the winner.
Baby elephant trunk!
Amber... Amber, baby, I'm just playin'.
- You know I'm just messin' with you. - Kevin, grow up.
(Lutetia) He's making me nuts. I don't know what to do.
- So what's the prenup Iike? - There isn't one.
- Then divorce him. cream the bastard. - Oh, I don't know.
I don't know what this says about me, but I'm kinda fond of the old dog.
I mean...
- Is Jack inside? - I think so.
Man trouble?
It's always man trouble.
Now you got woman trouble, too. That's my jacket. What are you doing with it?
- You're the thief's wife. - The thief?!
- Your husband stole my ring. - What?!
That was my ring and I gave it to my boyfriend.
You want your jacket? Have your jacket!
Wait a minute.
Oh...
Pull Daddy Iike a chariot.
(gasps)
- Look, kids. Oh, what a beautiful child! - Thanks.
Boy? Girl? Doesn't matter.
Lovely child. So innocent.
Damn. Where's that Iens?
Hello, Kevin.
Oh, hey, Tardio! What a nice surprise.
Yes, it is, isn't it? You feel Iike taking a walk?
Sounds good, but I gotta go see an optician. My eyes are actin' up.
- You're a Iittle blurry right now. - Really?
- Is that blurry? - Uh, no, I see that just fine.
That's good. Relax, would you? This is just an overlap of two connected worlds.
You never cross your Iine, I never cross mine.
- Know what I mean, Kevin? - (dog passes wind)
- Damn. - Just gas. Poor Iittle thing!
Even in the outdoors, huh?
- So what's new, Kevin? - Uh... nothin'.
Just playin' that golf, doin' that Tiger Woods thing.
- You? - Busy. There's a Iot of crime out there.
I'm sorry to hear that, after all your efforts.
It can be time-consuming. That's why I never took up a sport, Iike you.
AIthough, for some reason, I've always been drawn to figure skating.
Speaking of crime, you know what crime I hate the most? Insurance fraud.
- Oh, yeah? Why's that? - Because the crook is using me.
"Oh, Detective, they took everything. Here's a Iist."
"can I have that docket number so I can claim insurance money?"
Nothing makes me angrier than trying to solve a case that never happened.
You got a burglary that doesn't...
- (dog passes wind) -..smell right?
A big town house, Beacon Hill.
I'm wondering if the arrogant son of a bitch bankrupt bum who owns the place
- maybe didn't set it up himself. - Yeah, well...
I didn't hear nothin' about no scam, but if I do, I'II Iet you know.
Do you still blink when you're not telling the truth, Kevin?
No? Must be the contact Ienses. Walkies!
come on, Pix. We'II get you a bran muffin. We're getting everybody bran muffins.
Be cool, Mr Ma'am.
(sighs)
Max! Max!
- GIoria, what are you doin' here? - There's something I need to tell you.
Here. Pick one. Any one.
- Yup, there it is again. - What does it mean?
He's got five daggers in his head. What do you think?
How bad is it?
A guy with six daggers in his head would be worse, but they don't make that card.
- It just keeps comin' up! - Why the hell didn't you tell me?
Would you have Iistened to me? Do you ever Iisten to anybody?
Max, put a stop to all of this. No good is gonna come of it.
- I can't. - Why?
I can't! I can't! I can't!
Once a man in my position gives in, Iets his defences down,
is weak for one single moment, he's dead.
Dead, understand? That's the way it is with animals in the jungle, and with me.
Oh, cut the crap, Max! It's only a ring! A silly, stupid ring!
Yeah, and a bone is just a bone,
until two Iions decide that only one of 'em is gonna walk away with it.
You know what your problem is? You always have to win!
You figure out what it is you want, and then you'II do anything to get it.
Then you toss it aside and move on to the next thing!
I Ioved you, Max. I knew who you were and I still Ioved you.
Who else can say that? You know who you are and can barely tolerate yourself!
- Nobody talks to me that way! Nobody! - I do!
And it turns me on!
- GIoria! - Max! Yes! Yes! Yes!
No! Get off me!
Ow! What?
You're doing it again, you horny Iittle bastard.
- Gimme your hand. You hurt my back. - No. I quit, Max. Goodbye.
come on, GIor...
- You quit? You're fired! - BIah blah blah!
There goes your medical and your dental!
You know what? I don't need it.
- And I don't need you! - OK.
- Hello, hello! - Buzz off!
- The compound's secure, chief. - come here.
come here.
I am so flattered, sir. I've thought about this too, more than once.
But, honestly, an employer and employee... what are the percentages?
I just want you to help me up. I hurt my back.
That was a joke, by the way, and a good one.
Goddamn vultures are startin' to circle.
Make yourselves at home, scumbags!
calm down, Max. You'II give yourself a coronary.
I don't have coronaries. I give 'em.
I know this is tough for you, so I just called to wish you well.
My therapist won't be happy about it, but what can I say? I have a soft spot for you.
Well, thanks, Lutetia. I appreciate it.
You might be an asshole, Max, but you're my asshole.
Thanks again.
- Masseuse. - I didn't order a masseuse.
Oh... Ooh.
I sent her over. I thought you might need to relax.
- You sent me a masseuse? - The therapeutic kind, Max.
- Not the kind you're used to. - I'II call you Iater, Lutetia. Thanks.
It's all right, sweetie.
I'II get back and check the troops. We'II nail this thief so bad, you won't...
Yeah, go nail him.
- About Iast night. I want you to know... - Get outta here!
Yes. I'II do it.
Wonderful.
Yeah. come here, baby.
Must go walkies in the park one day. My dogs... and yours.
# Whatever Doja wants
# Doja wants
# Doja gets
- Excuse me. - Go away.
can't do it, sir.
Sorry, sir. We need you. The auction's about to start.
- Any sign of him? - Not yet.
(Max groans)
Would you Iike a Iittle massage oil?
Ooh, yeah. A Iittle massage oil.
More is coming. I shall return.
- How's it going? - coconut shrimps are flyin' Iike hotcakes.
- Had champagne? Your eyes Iook funny. - It's my allergies.
Don't get up.
Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.
Mr Boyle regrets that he cannot be here to conduct the auction as planned
due to a Iast-minute emergency
and has graciously sent us his associate, Mr Heinrich Hoffmuller, in his stead.
- Mr Hoffmuller. - That's you.
Guten Abend. Hoosen Iichten roll, Iicken ze hymen, spitten ze booger.
Here we are. Welcome und bienvenud to our auction.
My associate is bringing the first item, Iot 720, a pair of...
- chinese. - chinese...
- Women. -..women.
If you brought that crap into our trailer, I'd throw it out.
- We'II start the bidding at $1,000. - $5,000.
We'II start the bidding at $5,000.
Yes, $5,000. Thank you. Do I hear $6,000?
Yes. $6,000 to the man. Do I hear $7,000?
- Earl, where the hell is he? - He'II show himself.
Just one thing out of the ordinary, my men will be on him Iike a...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Sold! Wunderbar! I love it!
(Shelly) Yeah. OK.
check it out. AIarm system, security cameras... I'm plugged into everything.
Do I hear $30,000? Wait a minute.
The Iady, the Fraulein with the Iarge hat, has something to say?
Oh, Iet's make it 50. I've got a helicopter to catch.
Sold!
come on, Earl, you've got expensive equipment in here. I want some results.
Just one false move and my men will be all over him.
(Earl on walkie-talkie) Team Leader to Eagle One. Got anything yet?
- Nothing yet, sir. Nothing at all. - Surprise, surprise.
Wow, I could do this shit all day.
- Do I hear $30,000? - 40.
- Sold! - Goddamn! 40!
We're going to go to our next item. Do I hear $15,000? $16,000?
- 19. - Sold!
- 34. - Sold!
Sold! Sold! Sold!
Sold! Sold!
- Our next item is... - Renoir! Oh, my God! I got coasters!
- Sold! - Oh, thank God.
Thank you, Lord.
- He'II show himself, believe me. - When? When?
I want him now! come on, Earl, I want something.
What am I bid for this Iovely item?
Hmm?
This wonderful, 18-carat, yellow-gold Daytona Rolex watch?
- Will you slow down? - It's almost two. Move your fat ass.
That hurts my feelings. I've Iost over ten pounds today.
- Where? Your toenails? - Just gimme the box and shut up.
- That's heavy. What's in it? - You know why!
Would you please...?
- I Iove that fat bastard. - I got so many nice things.
Really? I'm happy for ya.
We start bidding for the Rolex at $1 0,000...
Yo, Big Max, now it's on. It's two o'clock and it's time for the bomb!
Max?
Hey, how you doin'?
Listen, Max. I'm sure, by the time you see this, you're gonna be pissed.
But I wanna thank you for havin' a brother back at your beach house.
Yeah, Kevin!
I'd Iike to report a fire at the Fairbanks estate. 25 Harbour Heights, Marblehead.
Big fire!
- Fire! - Fire!
You son of a...
code red. Repeat: code red.
- Fire! - Fire! Fire!
- code red! - Are you ready for the mayhem?
(alarm and sirens)
Hustle, boys!
(Tannoy) Attention! Would everyone please clear the tents?
Where is he?
I told you you could do it.
Look at the mess I caused! Wait till I tell the kids!
With this watch, I can move into a white neighbourhood.
- Move this truck outta here! Let's go! - Yes, sir.
- Where's Kevin? - Just go. He's used to it. Trust me.
- (Jack) Fellas, we rich! Filthy rich! - (Berger) I can't believe it! I deserve it.
# (raps) It's the underground kid, I be hackin' from the van
# And everywhere I go, they screamin' "Shelly Nix the man!"
# Yo, Shelly Nix the man...
Where are you, you son of a bitch? Where the hell is he?
No, get off me! Leave me alone! I'm Iookin' for somebody. Let go of me!
Max! Ooh, I Iove this. Max!
I'm sorry, Max.
I'm all right, OK? Do you understand? I'm OK!
Jesus!
Son of a...
bitch!
You think you're gettin' away.
(laughs)
Your ass is mine!
Little stinkin' thief!
- come on. - You're not gettin' away.
Yeah!
- Gimme the ring! - Get off!
Gimme it. Gimme it!
Son of a bitch! Gimme that ring!
- Oh, shit! - The boat's full of water!
- Wait. This ain't the ring. - What are you tryin' to pull?
- That ain't the ring. - What do you mean?
This has an inscription inside.
It says "Grow up."
- My Iady said that to me. - My wife told me the same thing.
Damn! Lutetia did this! She got that masseuse to oil it right off my finger.
You jokin', right?
Let me see that. Whoa. Whoa!
- We're goin' down, man. - We're goin' down!
- (loud-hailer) Max Fairbanks? - Uh-oh.
Max Fairbanks? That's right, it's me.
I'm arresting you under suspicion of bankruptcy and insurance fraud.
(siren)
Prove it!
Oh. A woman scorned.
Kevin?
Kevin caffrey! Is that you?
Hey! What up, Tardio?
Kevin, what are you doing here?
Uh...
Well, um...
I swam out... when I saw that my fellow man was in trouble.
Hm.
Yeah. He's a total stranger.
Never saw him before. Tres bizarre.
Oh, yes. Tres bizarre.
Not as bizarre as you.
- Thanks, Max. I owe you one. - Ah, don't mention it.
You and me, we both Iove the game. There's no need to be penalised for that.
OK, come to Tardio.
Go get 'em, boys and girls.
# Whatever Doja wants
# Doja wants
# Doja gets
# Don't think you can
# Cos you should know you can't win
- Hey, hey, hey! - Hey, hey, nothin'.
That's my man. Go get her.
You... the masseuse?!
You, the masseuse?
I massaged that baby right off his hairy Iittle finger.
His wife and I decided you two had it coming.
- You're amazing. - See that ring?
I think it's got the wrong kind of Iuck.
- Throw it away. - Throw it away?
- We worked so hard to... - Throw it away.
Gone.
This is Kerry Kilbride reporting from Washington.
Moments ago a Senate committee ended its Iong-standing investigation
into the alleged media and broadcasting monopoly of billionaire Max Fairbanks.
Through some quick and effective legal manoeuvrings,
Mr Fairbanks and his attorney have taken the wind out of the sails of the committee.
Shook 'em down! Hoodwinked the entire Senate committee. That's my boy!
Put on your rubber boots. Here's the bullshit.
We now go directly to the scene with Tracey Kimberly.
This is Tracey Kimberly, reporting live from the Capitol.
We have just witnessed a stunning turn of events
orchestrated by an unknown lawyer from the firm of Whiteman Small Johnson.
- Whiteman Small Johnson? - What do you mean by that?
(Tracey) Here he comes now.
Oh, that's my boy! Look, he on TV!
(Berger) Look at that. He got that big... Oh, no, he didn't!
I'd Iike to say: power to the people!
Let's rise up! A quick shout out to my mama. Mama, I Iove you!
Do you have a statement?
Ladies and gentlemen, I was dragged through the mud. Tarred and feathered.
- can we get a "oop" up in here? - Up in here!
I was stuffed like a Christmas goose.
- Can I get a "Ouch, that hurts"? - Ouch, that hurts!
But, in the end, the senators saw the truth.
That I'm an honest and Iegitimate businessman.
counsellor, what was your game plan going in there today?
Well, my brethren, I'm not one to stand up here and conversate outta my ass.
Nor am I gonna stand up here and jerk y'all off.
Besides the precedence of Roe v Wade, my uncle Ray Ray v the Dairy Queen,
I knew I had to get it in the inside to the big man for the easy Iay-up.
I am full of de facto habeas corpus Emancipation Proclamation.
I also have a very, very big pro bono.
Baby, it runs in the family.
What changed the senators' minds?
Fourscore, darlin'?
Yeah, everybody makes mistakes, even senators.
Were there improprieties on behalf of the senators?
Hey, man! I am a black male, not a blackmailer.
Nobody's perfect. Isn't that right, Senator Richards?
(all) Senator Richards!
- I owe you one. - Yeah. Hey, don't mention it.
You just take care of yourself. Right on!
Right on!
What a guy.
Son of a bitch!
Stop my Iawyer! He stole my Iucky watch!
(# "Stick 'Em" by Cha Cha)
(# "Music" by Erick Sermon and Marvin Gaye)
(# "No Job" by Sara Jane)
Visiontext Subtitles: David Van-cauter Rip By Darwen.sub